Whether He’s Social Distancing Or Ghosting You

Here’s How It Went:

“I started hanging out with a guy a couple of weeks before coronavirus hit. We hung out every day for about 2 weeks,. We would go out, spend the night together, call out of work the next day and spend the whole day and next night together. If one of us got off late from work, even past 11 pm, the other would come over anyway.

I’ve been single for about 4 years now, only being in one long-term relationship before that. I was happy and surprised that I met someone who hasn’t ghosted me. He actually treated me well for a change. He even brought me soup when I was sick. I was apprehensive in the beginning because I’ve been hurt before. Though worried it could end up the same way, this time felt different.

Now, since corona, he keeps bailing on our plans all of a sudden. He says he’ll come over and then lets me know later in the day that he actually can’t. I live alone and I’m just sitting around waiting for him to come to spend time with me. This leaves me feeling vulnerable. Unlike him, I am taking social distancing seriously, so I spend all my time at home. He has been hanging out at friends’ houses and eating out. This not only upsets me but leaves me feeling stupid. I end up being the one waiting for him to decide to come over and spend time with me.

We are not seeing other people (because I asked), but we also have not talked about what “this is”. We are both trying to keep it stress-free and casual. I don’t know why all of a sudden he is acting different and am worried to bring it up. I don’t want to scare him off or come off too attached or too emotional. What should I do?“

My Take:

New relationships are very exciting – especially when they progress so naturally and without force. When starting off so strongly, the expectation has been subconsciously set that the rest of the relationship will continue at this intensity and pace.

The Storm:

To feel someone becoming distant after a period of intense closeness feels like watching a rain cloud form in what once was a perfectly clear sky. The ominous feeling that comes with the uncertainty of the cloud: Could it grow bigger, heavier, and eventually become a rainstorm? Or could it blow away as quickly as it came? In this sense: could he stop replying, stop coming to see me, and this be over altogether? Or could it just be that he’s had a busy couple of days?

We are left feeling vulnerable after having been caught in the rain a few times before. We tend to develop emotional walls – or an umbrella if you will – to prevent future pain if someone else decides to walk away unexpectedly. These walls give us a sense of control over our emotional vulnerability.

When someone comes along that slowly begins to chip away at the walls we have built, we often experience mixed feelings. We become excited about a hopeful future, but because of the hurt we harbor from our past, we worry that they may still leave.

Escalated Emotions:

It’s important to notice that this pandemic adds a layer of complexity to the situation. As advised, we find hobbies to keep us busy, but when we close our books and the screen fades to black, we only have ourselves. In this situation, we have more freedom to ruminate, to dwell on things with a stronger intensity than we may have before, the gravity of the situation we’re in weighing heavily on us.

Our emotions may become escalated when seeing others not abiding by the guidelines with as much energy as we are. The social repercussions of not practicing social distancing make it difficult for us to be as forgiving, since the line between right and wrong has been distinctly drawn in the sand and we can only stand on one side of it, polarized from the other. We may allow ourselves to cast judgment on people’s behaviors because of the apparent lack of concern.

Tension:

In this case, it’s important that we remember that we only have control over ourselves and our own choices. We must allow ourselves to find peace in knowing that we are doing the right thing. But we must also understand how the pandemic could be amplifying the tension in our relationships. Could your negative emotions be heightened because you feel he’s willing to risk exposure to be with other people and not you?

Here’s What I Suggested She Do:

The way you’re feeling is completely valid. It’s upsetting to be left waiting around; it brings back the familiar pain you felt when other people left you hanging. It triggers a powerful, emotional response that sends your walls back up. The added pressure of the pandemic and self-isolation emphasizes the feelings of anxiety and fear you may have – further building on the negative emotions you feel towards his lack of concern on the global situation and the personal one.

Communication:

As the saying goes, communication is key. While it’s likely you have had the time to mull the situation over in your head, he may not have. By creating a safe space – one without judgment or accusation – you can bring up the way his actions and the overall situation have made you feel. By doing so, you will release the tension you’ve been holding. You will also allow him to contemplate how his actions have affected you.

While I can imagine it being difficult for you to be vulnerable, it’s important to see the power in communication. Being able to freely and openly talk about problems as they arise allows you both to feel understood and cared for without the fear of rejection. With this newfound vulnerability, you may also feel less pressure to be the “chill” girl. You will permit yourself to become more comfortable being vocal about what your hopes for the relationship are.

A Personal Journey:

However, at the end of the day, this situation comes to you as a personal learning opportunity; one that acts as a catalyst for growth. Finding the courage to voice your concerns – regardless of what he may respond to them – allows you to break free from the conditioning of your past. This conditioning has increased your apprehension of confrontation and had you believing that communication will push your partner away. While doing so may initially open you up to the possibility of pain, you will realize that it is all part of the process to relearn and rebuild from the past. You will realize that you were never “too emotional” or “too attached”.

We must also understand that the right person, someone who is emotionally available and truly cares about you, will see communication as an opportunity for growth. He will listen to your concerns and won’t become defensive upon confrontation. He will allow himself to be vulnerable alongside you and will validate your feelings without casting judgment or gaslighting you. Those who do otherwise do not deserve to be part of your life. While it can be painful to confront the truth, doing so will allow you to move forward and realize that you deserve better. That’s when you will finally be able to put away your umbrella.