The Changes In Dating During The Quarantine

Here’s How It Went:

“I was seeing this guy pretty regularly before social distancing. He was really sweet and I thought the relationship was going pretty well. He cooked me dinner on my birthday and always remembered to move his car in the driveway so I wouldn’t have to look for parking when I came over. With this whole quarantine going on, I thought he would want to be hanging out and “isolating together”.

On the contrary, he’s been talking to me less frequently and taking much longer to reply. Sometimes he won’t reply at all. He mentioned that we could hang out this past Sunday but never ended up following up about it. For context, he and his ex broke up not too long ago and I’m not sure where they stand. They still follow each other on Instagram. I have a feeling it's over between us but I want to talk to him about it because I don’t understand what happened. If it is over, I want some kind of closure.“

My Take:

Isolation:

I think a lot of people, myself included, thought this quarantine would be a little less “self” isolation and a little more “us” isolation. The people we were casually seeing have stopped reaching out as much, knowing that the short-term goal of “hanging out” has turned into more of a long-term project. They no longer are asking to see you a couple of days from now, instead are shuttering at the idea of having to wait it out for the long run. I have a theory why dating during quarantine has been playing out this way for a lot of us.

Overthinking:

Since this is an entirely new and terrifying situation, anxiety begins to creep in. During the Stay-At-Home Orders, people are no longer allowed to go out, to see their friends, to leave their homes… It feels like everything we love is being taken away from us and we’re left to our own devices. For most of us, it’s particularly difficult to be cut off from the outside world for such an indefinite amount of time. For me personally, I can get sucked into a void of overthinking and overanalyzing. I think we begin to feel trapped and claustrophobic (both mentally and physically) and have to find ways to cope with these feelings.

Shedding Our Masks:

Here, stripped away from all external stimuli, we can no longer hide behind dimly lit cocktail bars, boozy drinks, or romantic atmospheres. Here, we have puzzles and unfinished books and Zoom meetings and pajama pants. With this pandemic comes the shedding of the facades we wear. Here at home, in isolation, we are at our most stripped-down versions. Here, dating during quarantine seems almost impossible.

“With this pandemic comes the shedding of the facades we wear”

Understanding that makes it easier to see why it can be difficult to look for comfort in the person we’re newly dating. However incredible and understanding they may be, our palms get a little sweaty at the idea of emotionally exposing ourselves to them. We may still be trying to woo and impress them, showing them the “good” side of ourselves that we know gets the best reviews. We’re nervous around them and it’s unlikely we’ve delved too far below surface level, in fear of scaring them off.

Vulnerability:

With the fear of exposure comes the need for comfort and familiarity, the child-like desire to be known and accepted in our truest form. We reach for the people that know us this way, those who have accepted us in our vulnerable states.

Some look to their families, their close friends, or their roommates to find emotional security in trying times. In some cases, they look to an ex. While that ex may have broken their heart, that might be the only person they currently can find comfort in. Not necessarily because their newly budding relationship wasn’t exciting to them, but because their relationship with their ex may seem more “real” to them at this point. Their ex has seen them at their “good” and “bad” side and has definitely explored far below the surface. Though it isn’t the healthiest approach – to lean back on the crutch they were hoping to get rid of – it may be the only form of comfort they can find in times like this.

What I Suggested She Do:

Consider and Assess:

You should consider the stress that you and him both feel on individual levels. This situation may be impacting you both in a way that you may not fully comprehend yet. While it may be easy for us to find distractions in the forms of dating, we cannot use those distractions as a coping mechanism to hide what we’re really feeling during quarantine. In these trying times, it’s important that we take some time for ourselves, to assess our own emotional state and mindset.

Reach Out:

It’s also important that we reach out to the ones we care about. He may be feeling extremely stressed or struggling with something you may not know about. You acknowledging his feelings could help him understand that you want to be supportive in what he’s going through. However, if you find yourself feeling uncomfortable reaching out to him in fear that he may not respond in the way you like, or at all, that may signify a deeper issue in the relationship altogether.

Evaluate:

I would take some time to evaluate what him being unresponsive makes you feel. Does it bring up past pain? Do you feel abandoned, or unworthy of attention? Does it feel that he’s left you hanging when the going got tough? While it’s easy to want to distract from those thoughts and push them out of your mind, you must try to refrain from avoiding them. The more you avoid the way his actions make you feel — during quarantine and after — the more acceptable him acting that way will become while you are dating.

“The more you avoid the way his actions make you feel, the more acceptable him acting that way will become”

Make An Effort:

While I think this is a really hard time for all of us, the people that care about you will reach out to check in with you. The people that want to maintain a relationship with you will make the effort, especially if you are. Sometimes it takes a terrible situation for us to realize who’s sticking by us. We can’t blame the people who don’t, we can only let them go, to find comfort and care elsewhere.

Be Grateful:

Whatever the reason may be; he feels overwhelmed, he’s talking to his ex again, he’s lost interest, it doesn’t matter…. The way he makes you feel in these situations tells you what you need to know about the state of the relationship. If you feel like he’s backing off and not being responsive, there’s no need for you to overextend yourself to reach him. As a caveat, attempting to “find closure” is just you hoping he will find the right words to say to make you feel better about the situation.

“The way he makes you feel in these situations tells you what you need to know about the state of the relationship.”

He may try to come back when we’re newly out of quarantine, looking to accomplish the short-term goal of “hanging out”. At this point, you should see through these attempts and remember that you deserve more than just a second thought.

Take this time to be grateful for the people in your life that show up for you consistently and don’t give you a reason to doubt them. Those are the people that deserve the privilege of having you in their lives, and vice versa. Thank and cherish them.